Given without pain for one word or one too many gestures, there are ordinary pardons. And then there are the extraordinary pardons, those we have so much trouble conceiving, after being wounded deep within ourselves. To forgive a parent, an aggressor or the chauffeur who has overthrown one of our loved ones involves a long and demanding inner journey, difficult to want, hard to go.
An act of courage for some, an admission of weakness for others, who prefer vengeance, forgiveness rarely goes without saying. Yet all victims who have forgiven agree that this has liberated them, that it has even breathed new energy into their lives. For forgiveness serves above all to liberate oneself. Whether one asks for it or gives it, it is the fruit of a real work on oneself whose outcome is still uncertain: one can sincerely wish to forgive without necessarily reaching it ...
Decide not to suffer
The first step is to decide not to suffer, to get out of the violence suffered. To take the field and put distance between oneself and the person responsible for his pain. In particularly serious cases, when our physical or psychological integrity is at stake, the complaint lodged in court may be the only way to go through this first step and put the culprit face up to his responsibilities.
Recognize that the fault exists
The past does not disappear. Needless to seek to forget the offense. This mechanism of defense buries suffering, hatred and rancor somewhere in the unconscious, where their destructive force continues to operate with even more violence. Recognizing the aggressor as guilty of a fault is first and foremost a necessity for oneself, for living.
Expressing anger
To forgive, the victim must resent her "executioner," that is, recognize her own suffering and accept that she "comes out." Aggression, anger, even hatred are useful at first. They are signs of good psychic health, a sign that the victim is not in denial and does not commit the offender's fault on her.
Stop feeling guilty
Most victims feel paradoxically guilty of what happened to them. To try to know what part of ourselves has been hurt will allow us to relativize this feeling and the suffering that accompanies it. Is it our pride, our reputation, our honor, our physical integrity? Responding to this question can help "exculpate oneself, that is, acknowledge that responsibility is not committed"
Understand who hurt us
Hate and resentment can help survive an assault, but in the long run they destroy us. To get out of it, it is useful to try to get into the skin of the culprit. This gives meaning to the act that hurt us, and to some extent makes it "acceptable". Understanding the motivations of the culprit is not meant to excuse him, but to acknowledge his weaknesses. The philosopher Paul Ricoeur thus called "not to limit a man to his actions, however monstrous they may be".
Take his time
Forgiving is all but sponge. A pardon granted too quickly will not relieve anyone. It is advisable to wait until it imposes itself, almost of itself, "to pass the time while being active in the process"
Become an actor in his life
How do we know if we really forgave? When we no longer feel either anger or resentment against the one who has made us suffer, "when all feeling
Of guilt for what happened has disappeared,
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